Conflict Management
How to Handle Conflict in a World of Self-Serving People
Adapted from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, Ken Sande
Conflict happens every day. Every time we interact with people, different ideas, preferences, desires, and goals collide, and conflict will occur. Different cultural backgrounds, age groups, ethnicities, and personalities can affect how people interact with each other and how they react to conflict.
One thing we should keep in mind is that conflict doesn’t necessarily have to be a negative obstacle. Conflict can help us grow and develop the necessary skills to overcome difficulties, and life is full of them. It can also make us more mindful of other people’s desires and ideas. We should see conflict as an opportunity to focus on other people’s interests and feelings, to learn more about them, and to become less self-focused.
We all tend to be self-centered and imagine that our thoughts, ideas, and feelings are the only correct ones, while everyone else’s are wrong. Therefore, we believe that our God-given mandate is to help others realize how right we are as we try to convince them to cross over to the light, to the “correct side” which we are obviously on. Unfortunately, those we are trying to bring over to our side also believe that they are the ones standing on the “correct side.” The tug of war begins and conflict arises as a monster who has been awakened from his slumber. Now what? We need to find a way to get this “monster” drowsy and back into his slumbering world ASAP, because the longer we wait to resolve conflict, the stronger it becomes and the greater the damage it will cause.
Conflict, when not dealt with properly and quickly has the potential to damage trust, relationships, careers, ministries, family ties, friendships, and even the calling and purpose God has for our lives.
Unfortunately, conflict does not usually go away on its own. Most of us wish it would just disappear, but it does not. If left unaddressed, conflict will only grow. One of the ways conflict grows is by hurt feelings that do not simply remain in the offended person’s heart. Hurt feelings come out in the form of depression, anger, resentment, gossip, slander, judgment, retaliation, and, in extreme situations, physical violence against others or oneself.
Unresolved conflict is like having an untreated injury that isn’t washed, disinfected, and bandaged properly. A minor cut has the potential to become an infection that will cause inflammation and pain. An infection left untreated long enough could spread to other tissues and, eventually, to the bones. Before we know it we are dealing with gangrene. Now whole body parts need to be amputated. The damage could have been prevented but, at the time, it seemed easier to simply ignore the problem…
Easy doesn’t mean best. Sometimes it seems easier to ignore problems, and there are times when cutting people out of our lives seems like the easy road to take. However, if we do that every time we are faced with conflict, we might miss out on many good relationships. We could risk isolating ourselves from the people God has placed in our lives. Our inability to manage conflict could cause loneliness due to our lack of relational skills.
The first step in managing conflict is understanding that an active involvement is necessary. The second step is having the desire and resolve to do it. We don’t just cut off parts of our body because they hurt, don’t look good, don’t work as we would want them to, or because they are sick or injured. No, we take special care of the areas that need greater attention as we nurse them back to good health.
Some people hurt us, some annoy us, and some are so different from us that we can’t find a way to make the relationship work. Our immediate reaction is to try to get rid of them. However, God has a plan for us, and He has a purpose for those who are part of our lives; our family members, our friends, our brothers and sisters in Christ, our colleagues, and the members of our community, all play an integral role in God’s plan. Each person who walks into our lives has a reason for being there. God is intricately weaving the fabric of our existence and pulling people in and out as He determines best, at the right time, in the right season, on purpose, and for a purpose. Therefore, we should make an effort to consider others as an important part of our being, just as we would any part of our physical bodies. With that in mind, we should make every effort to resolve conflict, find a road to reconciliation, and display the love of God to those who are hard to get along with.
The third step, and arguably the most important one, is knowing how to handle conflict correctly. Having a humble heart is perhaps the most crucial aspect of the process outlined below. As we go through the steps below, we should keep in mind that Jesus humbled Himself and became obedient to the Father even to the point of death, and death on the cross -Philippians 2:8. Therefore we, as His followers, have no excuse not to imitate our Lord and become His humble servants, whatever the cost.
The following steps will help us navigate through times of conflict and can be tools used to manage it.
Conflict happens every day.
Conflict is normal and can be an opportunity for us to display the love of Jesus to those we are in conflict with. Conflict should be regarded as an opportunity to solve common problems in a God-honoring manner.
People respond to conflict in three basic ways:
I. “Escape Response-" This response is common when people are more interested in avoiding the conflict than resolving it. We try to Escape by either:
“Denial” (pretending it doesn’t exist),
“Flight” (quitting a job, divorce, ending a friendship, leaving the church, etc.). Flight can be a temporary solution in cases when emotions are too intense to control or when one is in danger of abuse or other threatening circumstances.
Or “Suicide” in extreme cases.
Escape responses allow the problem to grow to unhealthy levels. By the time a solution is sought, irreparable damage has been caused.
II. “Attack Response-" This response is used by people who are more interested in winning the battle than preserving the relationship. The Attack Response can have an:
“Assault strategy using various forms of intimidation, verbal and physical abuse, gossip, slander, and attempts to ruin the opponent professionally or financially.”
“Litigation” strategy. Taking someone to court will usually ruin the relationship beyond repair.
Or “Murder” strategy, which does not need to be physical murder, as hatred and resentment in our hearts are seen as murder in God’s sight, 1 John 3:15
Attack responses contribute to the problem by creating a wider gap between both parties. People who are either strong and self-confident, or insecure and fearful tend to respond to conflict in this way. They may feel that their assertive attitude will eliminate the opposition. In reality, the opposite is true.
III. “Peacemaking Response- These include:
Overlooking insignificant offenses
Reconciliation
Negotiation
Mediation
Arbitration and
Accountability”
Peacemakers are interested in restoring relationships. They are willing to compromise and find solutions to their differences with others.
Which of the above is your usual response? Do you try to escape, attack, or make peace and reconcile with those you are in conflict with?
Some offenses are small and can be disregarded.
Ask yourself the following questions: “Does this offense have the potential to damage a relationship? Can this offense prevent me or my offender from fulfilling our usefulness to God? Does it, or can it, hurt other people? Is it dishonoring God?” If none of the above apply, then the offense can probably be overlooked.
Habits and attitudes that lead to conflict: thoughtless words, deceitfulness, gossip, slander, abuse of power, unkept promises, pride, selfishness, acting in fear, frustration, unmet expectations, bitterness, and willingness to hurt others in order to get something we want.
All of the above, although not an all-inclusive list, have the potential to create conflict. As we go through the list we must examine our hearts and be honest about our actions. Ask yourself the following questions: Have I contributed to the conflict by doing any of these? If so, am I willing to repent and ask for forgiveness?
Acknowledging that we have contributed to the conflict does not mean that we take all the blame. The other person has played a part too. They are responsible for their actions as well. Admitting our contribution opens the door for the other party to soften their heart and have a conversation about the issue. They can then evaluate their response and contribution to the conflict as we try to find a productive resolution.
Acknowledging offenses sincerely and productively.
First and foremost, repent before the Lord. Ask Him to help you see your wrong actions and the motives of your heart, as well as the thoughts and desires that lead you to the actions. Once you have repented and made peace with God, go to those you have offended and confess your wrongdoing to them. Be precise. Avoid using words like “if, maybe, and but. Acknowledge that you have hurt them, how you have harmed others, and explain how you will change your attitudes and actions in the future. Ask for forgiveness.” Make every effort to keep your word going forward.
Standing up to the offender.
Sometimes, others hurt us because their agenda doesn’t align with our interests or values. It isn’t something we have caused on purpose but we happen to be the injured party. When that happens, a conversation with the person who has offended us is necessary. We need to ask God to help us discern the most effective approach to show our offender their fault.
As you engage in a conversation with them, try to listen quietly and patiently while they speak focusing on what they say. Ask them to explain their statements if you are not clear about what they mean. Restate what they say in different terms and agree on the common ground. Believe the best about others until you have evidence to the contrary. Speak the truth in love. Help them identify the desires that may be guiding their actions. Meet in a neutral place, in person, whenever possible. Use analogies, metaphors, and stories to touch their heart. Communicate as clearly as possible to avoid being misunderstood. Plan what to say and how to respond in different scenarios, anticipating what they might say. Speak of your feelings by using “I” statements when appropriate (for example, I feel like, I think that, I am hurt by, I was disappointed when…etc.). State objective facts rather than personal opinions. When emotions are high, tension will escalate. Be in control of your feelings. Do not use disrespectful words and do not allow others to speak disrespectfully. Respect should be a stated rule at the beginning of the conversation. If you choose to use Scripture verses, do it cautiously and kindly, not as a weapon against your opponent. Extend grace, as God has extended grace to you. Present options and your desired outcome as you attempt to mend the relationship.
Genuinely forgiving others.
Once we have resolved to sincerely forgive someone, we need to abandon our desire to penalize our offender, to make them earn our forgiveness, or to demand guarantees that we will never be wronged again. Address any unresolved issues. Remember that God has forgiven all of us, that we will need to be forgiven again and again therefore, we must extend mercy to those who trespass against us. With God’s help, replace painful thoughts and memories with positive ones. We should not dwell on the incident or talk about it with others. Say positive things about the person whom you have forgiven as an exercise that will help you begin to view them in a favorable way. Do loving and constructive things for them. Allow God to work in their heart as you continue doing the right thing.
Reaching beneficial agreements.
When negotiating agreements is necessary, prepare in advance for the discussion. Show your offender that you respect and care about them. Understand their interests and include them in the negotiation. Speak using gentle words. Look for innovative ways to find common ground and explore diverse solutions to satisfy both their and your concerns. Assess different alternatives impartially and fairly.
There may be times when reconciliation will not happen without the help of a mediator. When the offense has caused deep damage, or when it has been allowed to grow into a high level of animosity, an impartial person trusted by both parties will need to get involved.
Involving the church in intervention.
There are times when a brother or sister in Christ has been approached in private and has been spoken to by the church’s leadership, but their actions have not changed. Jesus said in Matthew 18:15-17 that when those first two steps fail, the church needs to get involved. Depending on the situation and the offense, the church may decide to take further action from that point on. If the offense has included physical or sexual violence, law enforcement should be involved as well.
Dealing with people who reject compromise.
Some people only look for their own interests. They are unwilling to negotiate, acknowledge their wrongdoing, or compromise at any level. If the offense has caused material damage, and the value is too high to overlook, then litigation can be used as a last resort.
Once we have tried all the above steps, if the offenses continue and the conflict goes on unresolved, we need to pray for the offender and distance ourselves from them to prevent further injury.
When all else fails.
With God’s help, we must determine to control our tongue. Seek counsel, support, and encouragement from spiritually mature advisors. Keep doing what is right in God’s sight. Resist the temptation to seek revenge. Continue to pray for those who hurt us.
Conflict happens in marriages, in families, in friendships, in the workplace, in communities, and in the church. As long as we’re surrounded by people there will be an opportunity for conflict to arise. Our focus should not be on avoiding the conflict, but on learning how to identify and deal with it quickly and effectively. Conflict should be seen as an opportunity to solve a problem, not as a battle to win by harming others. Having a humble heart to acknowledge our shortcomings and contribution to the conflict is an essential element in the road to reconciliation. Asking for forgiveness is just as important. Learning to forgive, without recalling the past every time the offender trespasses against us in the future, is crucial.
Having healthy relationships requires a good amount of effort. In the end, if we are willing to do the work, we could reap a good harvest and enjoy the fruits of our labor for years to come.
Works Cited:
Goodall, Wayde I. Conflict Management for Church Leaders. 2nd ed., Global University, 2010.
Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. (Baker Books, 3D Ed., 2003). © Ken Sande, www.rw360.org.
